In many countries around the world craft beers are on the rise; micro breweries, as well as hobby brewers experimenting on an even smaller scale for their own consumption. Not just because it’s fun, not because these people have way too much time on their hands, but mostly because it’s getting harder and harder to find decent ‘normal’ beers. Most of the biggest brands in this world taste like a smooth cocktail of horse piss mixed with goat urine. And to make matters worse these big players on the market have a habbit of buying smaller companies, change their old recipes and make their beers horrible too. Time to expose some of these horror brands that give beer a bad name.
10. Foster’s Lager
Originally a brand from Australia, but the only thing that is really Down Under about this beer is that it’s way below the line of acceptable quality. If Foster’s Lager is the standard for Australian beers it’s a miracle how any aboriginal ever became an alcoholic, unless they are really into dirty tubwater from a dog shelter. The rights to sell Foster’s are in the hands of SABMiller (worldwide) and Heineken (Europe), not coincidentally two of the most notorious brewing groups among the ‘Beer Nazis’.
One can only guess how many people suspiciously looked at the label after their first sip of Chang beer. Are those two elephants in the logo a cruel joke? But without a doubt elephant urine is one of the least worrying ingredients of this filthy mixture from Thailand. A worldwide poll from 2014 showed that 95% of the people if given the choice would rather be gang raped than ‘Chang raped’. Not counting the unsociable respondents even a full 100%. Of course I just made this poll up, but it could be true; Chang is truly disgusting.
This beer from the United States would be a great reason to start a new prohibition in this country. Based in Colorado, not far from the mighty Rocky Mountains it’s a miracle how fresh and delicious meltwater can be turned in such a filthy infusion of who knows what. It makes the story of Jesus Christ who turned water into wine look like a cheap magic trick. Rumour has it that the original name wasn’t Coors but Floors, since it’s taste reminded people of the water used to clean the floors of horse stables.
This Brazilian monkey piss is owned by Anheuser-Busch InBev, a beer group that did more damage to beer as a product worldwide than the Luftwaffen did to Warsaw. But more about those guys later in this post. Let’s get back to Brahma. Brahma? The term ‘drama’ was more appropriate for this brand. This disgusting brew makes the favelas and the systematic felling of the rainforest in Brazil look like a minor problems in this country.
6. Rolling Rock
Another perfect example of why the United States have such a blooming craft beer culture. Brands like Rolling Rock are nearly undrinkable. Just like Chang Beer the producers of this ‘pale lager’ seems to mock the consumers by putting a horse on the label. Never was the term horse piss as appropriate to describe a beer as the case of Rolling Rock. ‘Extra pale’, the label claims. There was probably a mistake at the printer and it should have said ‘now with extra piss’, but who’s gonna pay for a few billions new labels right?
5. Pabst Blue Ribbon
Another fine classic American brand. What they call lager can better be described as those rotten liquid leftovers at the bottom of a green container. Boy, do you need a strong stomach for this one. The name Blue Ribbon comes from the fact that in the late 19th century Pabst bottles had a small blue ribbon wrapped around them. Nowadays the same bottles should come with a good amount of yellow tape, so you can mark your own crime scene before drinking the content.
This beer is probably the main reason why Mexico by many is still seen as a Third World country. People in refugee camps just outside Somalia even joke that their situation isn’t that bad, since they don’t have to drink Corona. The fact that bottles usually come with a slice of lemon basically says it all. You know what other products have a touch of lemon? Dish soap and windex tissues. Personally I never tried to consume any of those products but I highly doubt they taste worse than Corona.
Given the English name you might not expect it, but Snow is actually a Chinese beer. Officially a lager but it’s probably safer to drink water straight out the Yangtze River. Or maybe this is part of China’s One-child Policy, since a few bottles of Snow must be able to cause infertility for both men and women. The perfect evidence to support the myth that Chinese people indeed do eat and drink just about anything.
2. Budweiser/Bud Light
The absolute symbol of the low quality of American macro beers. The next time you see a typical Hollywood cowboy ask for ‘a Bud’, just know that he is just another patriot who wants to show his manliness by drinking the piss of all national symbols at once: the American eagle, the mountain lion and the skunk, now in one handy little bottle. Bud Light is even worse. It’s the same piss mix, only more watery. At that’s not all. The beer group Anheuser-Busch InBev seemed to have made it their holy task to spoil the whole world with nasty beers, producing brands like Corona, Brahma, Stella Artois and Skol.
As a Dutchman myself, let me start by offering everyone who ever drunk a Heineken my sincere apologies. You were probably better off having a cup of unfiltered canal water in Amsterdam. The horrible taste of this brand through the years has been covered up by brilliant marketing strategies. Which foreign company was first to drop of a few beers after the American prohibition? Right, Heineken. Who was supplying the Japanese soldiers (the same who tortured thousands of Dutch people in concentration camps that made Dachau look like a 3 star resort) with beer during World War II? Right, Heineken. Who raised the prices per bottle on purpose to make the brand seem exclusive? You know it, Heineken.
These green bottles don’t even deserve to wear the word ‘beer’ on their labels. It’s polluted water with 5% alcohol, leaving for prices as if the Dutch king brewed it himself. And like the other major players on the international beer market, Heineken too is buying lots of nice old breweries that are struggling because they hold on to their original recipes. All over the world decent brands have been completely ruined by switching to ‘the Heineken Way’. Thanks a lot, you deserve your number one spot.
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