10 terrible beers that are way too popular and pollute the international beer scene

A horrible sight when brands like Budweiser and Heineken are occupying the space of decent beers.

A horrible sight when brands like Budweiser and Heineken are occupying the space of decent beers.

In many countries around the world craft beers are on the rise; micro breweries, as well as hobby brewers experimenting on an even smaller scale for their own consumption. Not just because it’s fun, not because these people have way too much time on their hands, but mostly because it’s getting harder and harder to find decent ‘normal’ beers. Most of the biggest brands in this world taste like a smooth cocktail of horse piss mixed with goat urine. And to make matters worse these big players on the market have a habbit of buying smaller companies, change their old recipes and make their beers horrible too. Time to expose some of these horror brands that give beer a bad name.

Foster's Lager.

Foster’s Lager.

10. Foster’s Lager
Originally a brand from Australia, but the only thing that is really Down Under about this beer is that it’s way below the line of acceptable quality. If Foster’s Lager is the standard for Australian beers it’s a miracle how any aboriginal ever became an alcoholic, unless they are really into dirty tubwater from a dog shelter. The rights to sell Foster’s are in the hands of SABMiller (worldwide) and Heineken (Europe), not coincidentally two of the most notorious brewing groups among the ‘Beer Nazis’.

Chang Beer.

Chang Beer.

9. Chang
One can only guess how many people suspiciously looked at the label after their first sip of Chang beer. Are those two  elephants in the logo a cruel joke? But without a doubt elephant urine is one of the least worrying ingredients of this filthy mixture from Thailand. A worldwide poll from 2014 showed that 95% of the people if given the choice would rather be gang raped than ‘Chang raped’. Not counting the unsociable  respondents even a full  100%. Of course I just made this poll up, but it could be true; Chang is truly disgusting.

Coors 12 pack.

Coors 12 pack.

8. Coors
This beer from the United States would be a great reason to start a new prohibition in this country. Based in Colorado, not far from the mighty Rocky Mountains it’s a  miracle how fresh and delicious meltwater can be turned in such a filthy infusion of who knows what. It makes the story of Jesus Christ who turned water into wine look like a cheap magic trick. Rumour has it that the original name wasn’t Coors but Floors, since it’s taste reminded people of the water used to clean the floors of horse stables.

Brahma beer.

Brahma beer.

7. Brahma
This Brazilian monkey piss is owned by Anheuser-Busch InBev, a beer group that did more damage to beer as a product worldwide than the Luftwaffen did to Warsaw. But more about those guys later in this post. Let’s get back to Brahma. Brahma? The term ‘drama’ was more appropriate for this brand. This disgusting brew makes the favelas and the systematic felling of the rainforest in Brazil look like a minor problems in this country.

Rolling Rock beer.

Rolling Rock beer.

6. Rolling Rock
Another perfect example of why the United States have such a blooming craft beer culture. Brands like Rolling Rock are nearly undrinkable. Just like Chang Beer the producers of this ‘pale lager’ seems to mock the consumers by putting a horse on the label. Never was the term horse piss as appropriate to describe a beer as the case of Rolling Rock. ‘Extra pale’, the label claims. There was probably a mistake at the printer and it should have said ‘now with extra piss’, but who’s gonna pay for a few billions new labels right?

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Pabst Blue Ribbon.

Pabst Blue Ribbon.

5. Pabst Blue Ribbon
Another fine classic American brand. What they call lager can better be described as those rotten liquid leftovers at the bottom of a green container. Boy, do you need a strong stomach for this one. The name Blue Ribbon comes from the fact that in the late 19th century Pabst bottles had a small blue ribbon wrapped around them. Nowadays the same bottles should come with a good amount of yellow tape, so you can mark your own crime scene before drinking the content.

A Corona bottle.

A Corona bottle.

4. Corona
This beer is probably the main reason why Mexico by many is still seen as a Third World country. People in refugee camps just outside Somalia even joke that their situation isn’t that bad, since they don’t have to drink Corona. The fact that  bottles usually come with a slice of lemon basically says it all. You know what other products have a touch of lemon? Dish soap and windex tissues. Personally I never tried to consume any of those products but I highly doubt they taste worse than Corona.

A Chinese Snow advertisement.

A Chinese Snow advertisement.

3. Snow
Given the English name you might not expect it, but Snow is actually a Chinese beer. Officially a lager but it’s probably safer to drink water straight out the Yangtze River. Or maybe this is part of China’s One-child Policy, since a few bottles of Snow must be able to cause infertility for both men and women. The perfect evidence to support the myth that Chinese people indeed do eat and drink just about anything.

Budweiser cans.

Budweiser cans.

2. Budweiser/Bud Light
The absolute symbol of the low quality of American macro beers. The next time you see a typical Hollywood cowboy ask for ‘a Bud’, just know that he is just another patriot who wants to show his manliness by drinking the piss of all national symbols at once: the American eagle, the mountain lion and the skunk, now in one handy little bottle. Bud Light is even worse. It’s the same piss mix, only more watery. At that’s not all. The beer group Anheuser-Busch InBev seemed to have made it their holy task to spoil the whole world with nasty beers, producing brands like Corona, Brahma, Stella Artois and Skol.

Heineken, the worst beer in the world.

Heineken, the worst beer in the world.

1. Heineken
As a Dutchman myself, let me start by offering everyone who ever drunk a Heineken my sincere apologies. You were probably better off having a cup of unfiltered canal water in Amsterdam. The horrible taste of this brand through the years has been covered up by brilliant marketing strategies. Which foreign company was first to drop of a few beers after the American prohibition? Right, Heineken. Who was supplying the Japanese soldiers (the same who tortured thousands of Dutch people in concentration camps that made Dachau look like a 3 star resort) with beer during World War II? Right, Heineken. Who raised the prices per bottle on purpose to make the brand seem exclusive? You know it, Heineken.
These green bottles don’t even deserve to wear the word ‘beer’ on their labels. It’s polluted water with 5% alcohol, leaving for prices as if the Dutch king brewed it himself. And like the other major players on the international beer market, Heineken too is buying lots of nice old breweries that are struggling because they hold on to their original recipes. All over the world  decent brands have been completely ruined by switching to ‘the Heineken Way’. Thanks a lot, you deserve your number one spot.

Micky Bumbar

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Related articles on Lords of the Drinks:

Why men should drink beer to boost their sex life

Craft brewers recreate an ancient Sumerian beer

Beer made in the Chilean desert with fog instead of water

Japanese beer that ‘makes women more beautiful’

Icelandic winter beer made from whale testicles

 

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109 thoughts on “10 terrible beers that are way too popular and pollute the international beer scene

  1. I’m French but I live in Belgium and I have to say I’m glad I do ! Beer is so good here. You have shitty industrial beer too but you can go to a bar and enjoy a nice Orval whenever you want. I love Bush, Kasteel Donker, Gulden Draak and all that stuff as well. The most popular beer here is Jupiler as you might already know, standard commercial lager.

    In France I think we have the worst beer ever – it’s not popular, but rather infamous. It’s called Amsterdamer Maximator (it’s not Dutch :p) and it’s 12% alcohol. Only homeless people drink it, and even then it’s only those who are complete alcoholics and want to get drunk no matter what. If I were to drink my puke after a long night of drinking, it would probably taste like it – if I added pure alcohol in it.

    But I went to Paris not so long ago and I’ve seen quite a change compared to a few years ago. You now find great Belgian beer and it’s not as hard to find good craft beer from France now. You just have to go to hipster places to get it from the tap.

    Anyway great blog and great article :). I really liked the humor, holy shit people get offended fast nowadays. In France we literally had our prime minister go on a witch hunt for a humorist who was making Jew jokes (and really offensive jokes about pretty much everybody), it was ridiculous.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Yeah I agree Belgium is the cradle of awesome Beers. It’s great to see that all over Europe more and more bars have a large variety of them. This also inspires locals to brew their own craft beers. I love how a counterweight against the big companies is created. You simply can’t fool people anymore after they tasted truly good beer. Cheers,
      Micky

      Like

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