10 Terrible Beers that Pollute the International Beer Scene

A horrible sight when brands like Budweiser and Heineken are occupying the space of decent beers.

A horrible sight when brands like Budweiser and Heineken are occupying the space of decent beers.

In many countries around the world craft beers are on the rise; micro breweries, as well as hobby brewers experimenting on an even smaller scale for their own consumption. Not just because it’s fun, not because these people have way too much time on their hands, but mostly because it’s getting harder and harder to find decent ‘normal’ beers. Most of the biggest brands in this world taste like a smooth cocktail of horse piss mixed with goat urine. And to make matters worse these big players on the market have a habbit of buying smaller companies, change their old recipes and make their beers horrible too. Time to expose some of these horror brands that give beer a bad name.

Foster's Lager.

Foster’s Lager.

10. Foster’s Lager
Originally a brand from Australia, but the only thing that is really Down Under about this beer is that it’s way below the line of acceptable quality. If Foster’s Lager is the standard for Australian beers it’s a miracle how any aboriginal ever became an alcoholic, unless they are really into dirty tubwater from a dog shelter. The rights to sell Foster’s are in the hands of SABMiller (worldwide) and Heineken (Europe), not coincidentally two of the most notorious brewing groups among the ‘Beer Nazis’.

Chang Beer.

Chang Beer.

9. Chang
One can only guess how many people suspiciously looked at the label after their first sip of Chang beer. Are those two  elephants in the logo a cruel joke? But without a doubt elephant urine is one of the least worrying ingredients of this filthy mixture from Thailand. A worldwide poll from 2014 showed that 95% of the people if given the choice would rather be gang raped than ‘Chang raped’. Not counting the unsociable  respondents even a full  100%. Of course I just made this poll up, but it could be true; Chang is truly disgusting.

Coors 12 pack.

Coors 12 pack.

8. Coors
This beer from the United States would be a great reason to start a new prohibition in this country. Based in Colorado, not far from the mighty Rocky Mountains it’s a  miracle how fresh and delicious meltwater can be turned in such a filthy infusion of who knows what. It makes the story of Jesus Christ who turned water into wine look like a cheap magic trick. Rumour has it that the original name wasn’t Coors but Floors, since it’s taste reminded people of the water used to clean the floors of horse stables.

Brahma beer.

Brahma beer.

7. Brahma
This Brazilian monkey piss is owned by Anheuser-Busch InBev, a beer group that did more damage to beer as a product worldwide than the Luftwaffen did to Warsaw. But more about those guys later in this post. Let’s get back to Brahma. Brahma? The term ‘drama’ was more appropriate for this brand. This disgusting brew makes the favelas and the systematic felling of the rainforest in Brazil look like a minor problems in this country.

Rolling Rock beer.

Rolling Rock beer.

6. Rolling Rock
Another perfect example of why the United States have such a blooming craft beer culture. Brands like Rolling Rock are nearly undrinkable. Just like Chang Beer the producers of this ‘pale lager’ seems to mock the consumers by putting a horse on the label. Never was the term horse piss as appropriate to describe a beer as the case of Rolling Rock. ‘Extra pale’, the label claims. There was probably a mistake at the printer and it should have said ‘now with extra piss’, but who’s gonna pay for a few billions new labels right?

 

Pabst Blue Ribbon.

Pabst Blue Ribbon.

5. Pabst Blue Ribbon
Another fine classic American brand. What they call lager can better be described as those rotten liquid leftovers at the bottom of a green container. Boy, do you need a strong stomach for this one. The name Blue Ribbon comes from the fact that in the late 19th century Pabst bottles had a small blue ribbon wrapped around them. Nowadays the same bottles should come with a good amount of yellow tape, so you can mark your own crime scene before drinking the content.

A Corona bottle.

A Corona bottle.

4. Corona
This beer is probably the main reason why Mexico by many is still seen as a Third World country. People in refugee camps just outside Somalia even joke that their situation isn’t that bad, since they don’t have to drink Corona. The fact that  bottles usually come with a slice of lemon basically says it all. You know what other products have a touch of lemon? Dish soap and windex tissues. Personally I never tried to consume any of those products but I highly doubt they taste worse than Corona.

A Chinese Snow advertisement.

A Chinese Snow advertisement.

3. Snow
Given the English name you might not expect it, but Snow is actually a Chinese beer. Officially a lager but it’s probably safer to drink water straight out the Yangtze River. Or maybe this is part of China’s One-child Policy, since a few bottles of Snow must be able to cause infertility for both men and women. The perfect evidence to support the myth that Chinese people indeed do eat and drink just about anything.

Budweiser cans.

Budweiser cans.

2. Budweiser/Bud Light
The absolute symbol of the low quality of American macro beers. The next time you see a typical Hollywood cowboy ask for ‘a Bud’, just know that he is just another patriot who wants to show his manliness by drinking the piss of all national symbols at once: the American eagle, the mountain lion and the skunk, now in one handy little bottle. Bud Light is even worse. It’s the same piss mix, only more watery. At that’s not all. The beer group Anheuser-Busch InBev seemed to have made it their holy task to spoil the whole world with nasty beers, producing brands like Corona, Brahma, Stella Artois and Skol.

Heineken, the worst beer in the world.

Heineken, the worst beer in the world.

1. Heineken
As a Dutchman myself, let me start by offering everyone who ever drunk a Heineken my sincere apologies. You were probably better off having a cup of unfiltered canal water in Amsterdam. The horrible taste of this brand through the years has been covered up by brilliant marketing strategies. Which foreign company was first to drop of a few beers after the American prohibition? Right, Heineken. Who was supplying the Japanese soldiers (the same who tortured thousands of Dutch people in concentration camps that made Dachau look like a 3 star resort) with beer during World War II? Right, Heineken. Who raised the prices per bottle on purpose to make the brand seem exclusive? You know it, Heineken.
These green bottles don’t even deserve to wear the word ‘beer’ on their labels. It’s polluted water with 5% alcohol, leaving for prices as if the Dutch king brewed it himself. And like the other major players on the international beer market, Heineken too is buying lots of nice old breweries that are struggling because they hold on to their original recipes. All over the world  decent brands have been completely ruined by switching to ‘the Heineken Way’. Thanks a lot, you deserve your number one spot.

Micky Bumbar

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in Lists, Opinion and Background. Tags: , ale, amsterdam, Anheuser-Busch InBev, australia, bad beer, , beer Nazis, beers, beers that taste like piss, big companies, , Brahma, brazil, brew, brewers, brewing, Bud Light, Budweiser, Chang, Chang raped, china, Coors, Corona, craft beer, Foster's, fuck macro beer, goat piss, heineken, Heineken the worst beer in the world, , home brew, homebrew, horrible beer, horse piss, Japanese camps, lager, macro beer, micro beer, monkey piss, nasty beers, Pabst Blue Ribbon, pilsner, piss, , Rolling Rock, SAB Miller, Snow, terrible beer, Thailand, , World War II

149 thoughts on “10 Terrible Beers that Pollute the International Beer Scene

  1. I’m French but I live in Belgium and I have to say I’m glad I do ! Beer is so good here. You have shitty industrial beer too but you can go to a bar and enjoy a nice Orval whenever you want. I love Bush, Kasteel Donker, Gulden Draak and all that stuff as well. The most popular beer here is Jupiler as you might already know, standard commercial lager.

    In France I think we have the worst beer ever – it’s not popular, but rather infamous. It’s called Amsterdamer Maximator (it’s not Dutch :p) and it’s 12% alcohol. Only homeless people drink it, and even then it’s only those who are complete alcoholics and want to get drunk no matter what. If I were to drink my puke after a long night of drinking, it would probably taste like it – if I added pure alcohol in it.

    But I went to Paris not so long ago and I’ve seen quite a change compared to a few years ago. You now find great Belgian beer and it’s not as hard to find good craft beer from France now. You just have to go to hipster places to get it from the tap.

    Anyway great blog and great article :). I really liked the humor, holy shit people get offended fast nowadays. In France we literally had our prime minister go on a witch hunt for a humorist who was making Jew jokes (and really offensive jokes about pretty much everybody), it was ridiculous.

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    • Yeah I agree Belgium is the cradle of awesome Beers. It’s great to see that all over Europe more and more bars have a large variety of them. This also inspires locals to brew their own craft beers. I love how a counterweight against the big companies is created. You simply can’t fool people anymore after they tasted truly good beer. Cheers,
      Micky

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      • Hey. I live in Thailand and maybe you should taste Chang Classic in over 30 degrees Celsius, because I just love that beer.
        A lot of wines that were my favorites in sweden are not as good here. Other grapes works better in this hot climate.
        Chang Classic, full tasting, rich flavour, in a hot climate!!!

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    • i agree with the sentiments re fosters. it’s a terrible beer. you just don’t need racism to reinforce your point

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      • Where exactly did I get racist? Could it be that maybe your just a little too sensitive?
        Cheers,
        Micky

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  2. Having been lucky enough to have drunk nine of the ten above (and if Snow resembles snow it will be of the “never drink yellow snow” variety), and acknowledging that this is a good list, I do think your national dislike of your local industrial beer might be coloring the number one, Heineken. It’s random suds, yes, but it does resemble a drinkable substance, unlike BUD, brahma et al. If you were in Brazil/Australia and they were the same price, would you order brahma/fosters ahead of Heineken

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    • Yeah could be I’m not completely neutral when it comes to the nr 1 spot. But it’s not just the taste of Heineken or Bud itself. It’s mostly about their disgusting strategy to buy the competition and make their beers shitty too. Whatever happened to taking pride in making the best possible product?
      Cheers,
      Micky

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  3. None of these are bad. Unless you are a beer snob, which nobody likes being around.

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    • Thanks Chris. Always happy to make new friends.
      Cheers,
      Micky

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  4. Fosters Lager in Australia is an excellent smooth lager beer. Fosters Lager in North America is terrible. I am not sure why there is a difference, but there is.

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  5. this list is right on. well done. and belgium trappist beer is king (although spencer is getting a good rep nowadays with an expanded repertoire).

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      • Just tried the Dutch and Belgian trappists. And once the Italian one, so Spencer is still on the “to drink list”. Will check if I can order it online somewhere.
        Cheers,
        Micky

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  6. What a whiney, sad little post. We should all change our drinking habits because some snob tells us to? Fuck off mate. Nothing wrong with these brands, people should drink what they think tastes good. Not because some douche behind a screen throws a hissy fit. Mietje.

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    • Hahahaha you should drink whatever you want indeed. If you rather drink urine than decent beers be my guest. Mongooltje.

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  7. Heineken, also made in Hurbanovo, Slovakia. Pretty much gross what we make. Tastes like water from a rain drain with a dog piss and vodka added to stop it rotting.

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    • Hahaha nice description. Yeah, they do this all over the world unfortunately. Apparently making 1 shitty beer is not enough.

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    • What is what? It’s a list of shitty beers. Do I detect a Heineken fan here? 😛

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  8. Totally agree, and very funny. I simply avoid buying the shit.. however, yesterday, out of desperation, I bought 4 Heinekens, to ease the constant waiting for delayed trains in Eurostar Gard du Nord terminal for London. Heineken is the only lager you can buy in there, and even worse, only in cans. I took one sip and immediately binned it along with the rest… total over-gassed piss, you’re drinking carbon dioxide and… I really don’t know. It can’t be floor cleaner, that would make it taste better! As a Saffer, we brew quite a lot of lager through SAB Miller (South African Breweries)… in fact I worked in their Swaziland bottling plant for a bit.. the best was using brown glass bottles.. 750ml (quartz) esp. enjoyed on a blistering hot day. I now only enjoy BEER not lager. Chimay, Kasteel, Erdinger dünkel (if you can find it), Leffe, most local UK ales are great too.

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    • Hahaha thanks for sharing. Yeah the local stuff is usually good. Love how small breweries pop up everywhere and easily win the competition with the big brands. The people will not be fooled. We have more and more choice these days and you can’t buy them all Heineken! 🙂
      Cheers,
      Micky

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  9. Read this blog as I was sipping a Henineken trying to find out why it tasted so bad! Now, I know. Only bought them because the shop was out of everything else except Bud. Your list is spot on although there were times when I was in Thailand when I was grateful for an ice cold Beer Chang as I consider Singha even worse. Anyway, it’s a great blog. Keep up the good work, Beer Lord.

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    • Thanks a lot for the nice words Mike. Hope you ‘ll find better beer today. Cheers,
      Micky

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  10. The fact that most of these come in green/clear bottles is all I need to know. Light = skunked beer. Putting your beer in clear/green bottles means you just don’t GAF! To those who think he’s a beer snob, he’s not. You like cheap, shitty beer? Then so be it. People like McDonalds too but compared to a real burger at real grill/pub it’s horse meat, just like these beers are horse piss. Snob? People aren’t snobs because they don’t like the taste of boiled corn and other vegetables which if we’re really being honest is what some of these so called beers really taste like. Enjoy your corny/rice beers if you see fit. But don’t get pissed because someone points out that they are in fact mass produced, as cheap as possible, alcohol delivery devices.

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    • Thanks for the support mate.
      Cheers,
      Micky

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  11. What’s wrong with Corona? Add a bit of lime and it’s my favorite beer. Tecate is pretty good, but I like Dos Equis better.

    My dad drinks Foster and Rolling Rock but he’s a practical guy. His math is that if the purpose of beer is to get drunk beyond all recognition, might as well do it on the cheapest shit possible.

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    • By that logic may I suggest medicinal alcohol. 😉
      Anyway, to each his/her thing.
      Cheers,
      Micky

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  12. Thanks for this article – you are spot-on, regarding this list of beers, although I would change up the order just a bit. While I believe that people should be able to choose a plain McDonalds hamburger over a loaded one from Five Guys, it still boggles me that so many do. It’s not about money either, as I’ve seen it on both sides of the tracks, so to speak. My biggest problem is with Corona. Since practically everyone agrees that it is one of the worst-tasting beers out there, the fact that so many people still drink it is ironic, and it’s not as cheap as some better domestics either. I wonder – do you attribute its popularity to people being easily-persuaded by advertising or does it amount to brand-whoring in order to appear popular to others? Either way, it’s disturbing. That said, I think craft beer has “jumped the shark” too with all of the pretentious fruit flavored beers, hard sodas and “tropical” cloudy IPA’s, but I’d rather see these than lowbrow loyalty to shitty brews. All the best!

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  13. I’m a not an expert in beers and have to admit I mostly drink cheap commercial beers. However it was nice to hear an opinion from an experienced beer drinker. Though which of the commercial supermarket beers would one consider at least drinkable?

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    • Well I live in Holland myself, where supermarkets sell many good beers from Holland and Belgium for quite reasonable prices. I hope you’ll find some decent local beers as well.
      Cheers,
      Micky

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      • If you are such an expert please present a list of Top 10 International beers. Not everybody can visit
        Benelux to enjoy the brands you like>apply the rule of Yin&Yang when you criticise something …..
        to be fair.And what would you drink on a hot day in Thailand without spending a fortune ?
        I live in Phuket now and and make all kinds of fantastic tropical drinks.

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      • Mate, if I could make a living just traveling around and tasting all the great brews around the world it would be a dream coming true. Unfortunately I have to keep my “normal job” for now. Unless you want to make me an offer of course, so I can tell my boss where to stick this job. 😛
        Cheers,
        Micky

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  14. This list is pretty accurate. Unfortunately, America has a long storied tradition of mass produced swill both nationally and locally. Everyone knows Budweiser, Miller and Coors, but there were so many regional skunk piss companies like Schlitz, Schaefer, piel’s, Hamm’s, Stroh’s, Narragansett, Falstaff, etc all throughout the country.

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  15. I have had all these beers except for Snow and Chang and have to say that Heineken is definitely not the worst. The American mainstream beers are by far the most terrible absolutely undrinkable beers like Budweiser, Miller, PBR, Coors and other less known varieties. I find them disgusting and would rather not drink at all than any of those. Also, I don’t even think that Brahma is that terrible; especially compared to some other South American brews.

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  16. I have a hard time taking advice on what to drink or not drink from someone who is seems to be an authority on various forms of animal piss.

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      • Love this article so much I printed it out and hung it on my brew mini fridge. Now we know the worst, what’s your top 10 best? I find Beck’s and Spaten to be of good quality personally…

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      • Ah well I was in Ghent (Belgium) last weekend. Really too many good beers there to choose from. I can never say no to their “special” beers, but they make me feel quite fpefial too. Westmalle, Duvel, La Chouffe, Hommel, Straffe Hendrik, Rochefort 10… You can wake me up in the Middle of the night for those beers. 😀
        By the way thanks a lot for the nice compliment. I’m very glad you enjoyed the post.
        Cheers,
        Micky

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