When involved in the noble gentleman’s game of drinking, one can be confronted by ignorant questions and remarks. So you better have a badass answer ready.
As a fanatic and experienced drinker you hear the weirdest questions and remarks in bars. People who sell alcohol for a living might ask you to drink less or not at all. But it’s not just the professionals that might come between you and your well-deserved refreshments. You’d be surprised how many doctors with a Harvard degree are holding up in bars in the middle of the day, to give away free medical advice. Now of course one could answer these kind of questions by saying they should mind their own business, but why not doing it with some style? Here are 20 badass replies to the stupidest questions and remarks about your drinking habits.
I’m having a beer, do you want one too?
– No, I’m just gonna sit here and watch you drink yours.
Isn’t it too early to drink?
– Isn’t it too early to ask stupid questions?
What do you want to drink? Beer? Whisky? Vodka?
– Yes please, and tequila too!
Can I get you some water?
– Do I look like a fucking fish bowl to you?
Can I get you the check?
– Sure, I love Czech beers!
Do you want some gum?
– No thanks, it would spoil my beer breath!
Do you want ice?
– Are we trying to attract penguins or get me drunk in here? Focus mate!
Do you want ice?
– You hold on to that. The next one that tries to water down my drink is gonna need it for his eye.
Do you want ice?
– Would you want Hugh Heffner to join you in a threeway with two of his bunnies?
Would you like to try our alcohol free beer?
– Would you like to try putting your nuts in a scorpion nest?
Would you like an alcohol free beer?
– Would you like an inflatable woman?
Would you like another drink?
– Please ask that question again, but replace the word “you” for “I” and the word “drink” for “tip”.
Can I get you another drink?
– Some male songbirds sing more than 2000 times each day (or any other weird animal fact. Some nice examples are found here).
I don’t get it/I don’t understand
– I know you don’t fuckface, I’m still waiting!
Don’t you think you had enough?
– (Put two fingers to your neck) Why? I still feel a pulse!
Do you always have to drink that much?
– Well, in this tough economic times and heavy taxes on the liquor industry, somebody has to do the responsible thing.
Why can’t you just stop after a few drinks?
– Yeah right! Would you ask Lionel Messi to take it easy on the hattricks as well?
I think it would be best if you gave up drinking at all.
– Right, so I could start taking amphetamine and horse medications, write a book about my struggle, start a world war and exterminate millions of people? Is that what you want, you nazi teetotaler?!
You should really watch your drinking. It’s what killed my grandfather.
– From where I’m standing it seems more likely his lame grandson/daughter bored him to death!
Can you please lower your voices? You are disturbing the other guests.
– If your bar is full of tea sipping pansies, who are shocked by people who do actually consume a decent amount of drinks, I guess we’re the least of your worries mate!
Can you please not make the same kind of mess you made last week?
– For fuck sake, if I can’t even remember that, why the hell would you? Let it go!
Micky Bumbar
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