We all have legendary and sometimes heroic stories from times when we were heavily intoxicated. You know we had our share. A bit cliché but no good story ever started with someone eating a salad. Anyway, every good story has heroes and villains. And where it comes to drunken fun there are even some supervillains that seem to want to bore the world to death. Here’s the top 7 of modern enemies of alcohol.
1. Islamic State (IS)
First on the list are the boys and girls of Islamic State (IS). You know, those cunts that murder, torture and rape people (even other Muslims) in the name of Allah. Sure, their methods are repulsive but so is the goal they are fighting for: a land without alcohol. That the prophet Muhammad drank wine himself and only advised people not to drink doesn’t seem to matter. But even if alcohol was strictly forbidden, banning out temptations is a sign of weakness.
2. Vladimir Putin
Sure, Vladimir Putin is a megalomaniac dictator. Yes, he used acts of terror to rise to power. Of course, he is constantly looking for ways to violently increase Russian territory. But what we want to talk about is the damage Putin did to the Russian alcohol industry. End of 2011 this modern day tsar took anti-alcohol tax measures that would double the price of a bottle of vodka within 2 years. Within a year the total alcohol production in Russia had dropped by 30%. The result is that alcohol taxes in Russia are now ‘excessively high’ compared to Western Europe, which is suffocating a country of real drinkers.
3. MEP Glenis Willmott
Many of you probably don’t know this member of the European Parlement (MEP), but Glenis Willmott is one of the main forces of the anti-alcohol lobby within the EU. She says she wants to ‘review the EU’s Alcohol Strategy’ but actually she goes straight against the main law of the European Union as she calls up for minimum pricing on alcohol: “Minimum pricing is good because you need to target that very cheap alcohol. That’s the point. You need to target that alcohol where people go and drink it before they go out for a night out.”
Besides the fact that Willmott wants to make proper drinking experiences something exclusively for the rich, EU law clearly states that the powers of the European Parliament and the Council ‘exclude any harmonisation of the laws and regulations of the Member States’ where it comes to the regulation of alcohol and tobacco. It’s good that EU chief Jean-Claude Juncker is a solid drinker himself who so far pretty much ignored Willmott’s idiotic ideas.
Basically this is a bit of the same story as IS. The Taliban too wants to put Afghanistan under Sharia law, which means complete prohibition when it comes to alcohol. But in addition we must mention the fact that these savages made it ‘their thing’ to target young girls who just want to go to school. Besides the fact that it’s ridiculous that you want a world with only illiterate and ignorant women, who would want to go to a college party in Afghanistan? A sausage fest without alcohol, no thank you.
5. Dutch PM Mark Rutte
Mark Rutte might well get a place in history as Holland’s worst Prime Minister ever. Since we don’t want to make this post too long, we’ll just focus on the alcohol. You may remember Rutte’s government raised the alcohol taxes by the start of 2013 by 10%. He counted on an extra income of 39 million euro. The plan completely backfired since Dutch people simply went to get their booze over the border in Belgium and Germany. In the end the extra tax profit was just 26 million, where the Dutch economy lost 40 million in income. Plus more than 100 liquor stores near the borders went out of business.
A year later by the start of 2014 Rutte’s government decided that the minimum drinking age for beer and wine should go up to 18, as it already was for hard liquor. Since the legal drinking age in Belgium is still 16, there are now ‘booze busses’ going over the border with drunken teenagers. Although most parents just keep buying their kids beers, so besides a lot of expensive bureaucratic shit, not a lot has changed.
6. The Maldives Government
Many people call The Maldives the most beautiful place on earth. For a reason these tropical islands are often referred to as ‘Heaven on Earth’. And indeed, the sights are breathtaking, the nature amazing, the water crystal clear. A magical place, right? Wrong! Their idiotic government has made alcohol completely prohibited. Just for tourists they made an exception and you can have a drink within the safe walls of your hotel. But enjoying a smooth cocktail or a refreshing cold beer as you admire the natural wonders is a major crime. Until this stupid law is lifted we can never truly call The Maldives Heaven on Earth.
7. Anonymous Alcoholics
Let’s be honest, guys, how many people who are in the program of Anonymous Alcoholics actually have a problem with alcohol? Most of the times these are just happy drinkers who can’t function normally in society cause society labeled them. Someone who ‘drinks too much’ in the United States would probably not even be noticed in Eastern Europe. But if you tell people enough times they have a problem, they will believe it in the end.
But the worst part of the AA is the step where you have to “recognize a higher power to restore your sanity”. In simple words: you can’t be ‘cured’ unless you all of a sudden believe in God. What kind of logic is that? So alcoholism is a disease that atheists can never be cured from. Would the same go for aids, cancer or leprosy? This shows that AA is nothing but a religious cult.
We absolutely acknowledge the fact that religion brings structure to the lives of many, but that’s a whole different story. So don’t let them tell you that you’re sick, you just need a little help to manage your drinking. Nothing wrong with that.